At some point, isn't the life of a widow just ... life? Life that is consumed with paying bills and taxes, keeping up with house stuff, making budgets, and working—but also having fun hanging out with friends and family, shopping (for yarn, duh), and making things (with aforementioned yarn but also other crafty things that have been accumulated over the last four decades)? Just doing all that without your person?
And is that life interesting enough for its own blog and semiregular blog posts?
That question lies at the heart of why I haven't posted "for a while." And by "for a while," I mean a year and a half. (I didn't actually realize it had been so long because I have started writing several blog posts, but they languish as drafts. And now they're so old that I'm not sure I can post them. But I digress.)
Since my last post, I haven't really done anything widow-y. I didn't move from our house of 20 years. I didn't do anything alone that I used to do with Vic—at least, nothing I haven't already written about. I went through the third and fourth anniversaries of his death—but I've been through those before, too. Every day was just another day without him, always with some small slight. A joke he would have laughed at. A meme he would have enjoyed. A goose honking overhead (he loved geese honking). I'd always smile a little, then sigh, then maybe shed a tear.
I don't know. That doesn't feel blog-worthy.
But one widow-y thing I get asked a lot, I've noticed, is whether I'm lonely. Some people simply assume that I am without even asking. I suppose those are the people who feel like they would be lonely in my position. But I'm not, not really. I have Bella with me all the time. I still work (when I'm not on medical leave), so I talk to my work buddies every weekday (and sometimes on the weekends and in the evenings). When I take one of my staycations, my sister comes up to binge watch the latest season of something or another. I have crochet date night every other week. I have lunches with friends several times a month. I have lots of text conversations. Honestly, I do not have time to be lonely. 😉
That said, I do spend a lot of time in my own company. Alone. But am I?
This is what I started noticing late last year—I am surrounded by the people I love all the time. And as usual, I'm going to take a roundabout way to tell you about it.
I have a shower playlist on my iPod. (Vic's iPod, actually, because I have an editing playlist on my iPod, so I keep it in my office.) I listen to it every morning while I'm in the shower and getting ready for my day. To create this shower playlist, I put my entire music library (nearly 10,000 songs) on Vic's iPod and started playing it while I was in the shower. If I felt like a song would be a good shower song,* I listened to the whole thing so the Date Played would update in iTunes. If I didn't, I skipped it. (I have a remote to the sound dock the iPod is copnnected to. And I don't want to hear one person tell me about Bluetooth speakers that I could actually keep in the shower. I know. I investigated them, and I decided against getting one.) Then every Sunday, I would sync the iPod to iTunes. Everything with a Date Played from the previous week got tagged as "Shower," which put it into an autopopulated Smart Shower playlist. It took about a year to get through all my songs, but I'm very happy with my list.
*A "good shower song" is one that is, in general, peppy, not sad, and fun to sing to. (Yes, I have slower songs; yes I have sad songs; yes, sometimes I cry in the shower like Adam Sandler singing "Wouldn't It Be Nice" in 50 First Dates, and yes, I have that song in my playlist and think of that scene every time. So. What.)
One day in December, the song "Grow Old with You" from The Wedding Singer played. (I have a thing about Adam Sandler, I guess.) It's one of the less peppy songs, but man, it transports me. Let me 'splain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.* When my niece Margeaux got married, she asked me and her brother, Nick, to do "something" at the wedding. Her only requirements: It had to be funny, and it had to be movie-related. We knocked that request out of the park. We used lines from The Princess Bride, Notting Hill, and Jerry Maguire ... but also Independence Day, Billy Madison, and Four Weddings and a Funeral—the funeral speech. We did a lightning round from Forrest Gump, and at the end, we sang "Grow Old with You." And there's more I'm not even telling you! It was way too long, but we had so much fun working on it together. So when I heard that song, I thought of Nick, Margeaux, and her husband, Xan. But then it became more than just the song. My mind instantly wandered to all the fun things we've done together in the past xxx years (no need to say how many—suffice it to say it's a lot) and all the memories I have of spending time with them, sometimes with Vic, sometimes without. And how lucky I am to have them in my life. We love each other so much, and when I hear that song, we are together, even though they are not right here.
*From The Princess Bride, obvi. Great movie. P.S. I realize that I 100% did not sum up. I totally 'splained.
A few days later, the Broadway soundtrack for Wicked popped up. This was given to me by my friend Elizabeth and started my love for Wicked. With all the hoopla surrounding the recent movie adaptation, I have been thinking of Elizabeth a lot, grateful that she opened my eyes to something that now gives me great joy.
A few days later, Willie Nelson. Vic loved Willie, but so did my friend Amy. When we worked together xxx years ago (no need to say how many—suffice it to say it's a lot), she dressed up as Willie for Halloween. Whenever I think of Amy, I am reminded of how she sent me a live tabletop Christmas tree the year Vic passed away. She just instinctively knew I wouldn't want to do up the whole house, but I might want to have just a little something for some special ornaments. Thinking of Amy also brings to mind everyone we worked with. We were a small team of editors, but we were close. My friend Jill is responsible for the job I have now—she worked there before I did. I had dinner with my friend Jeff in Vancouver on my way to Alaska. I gave one of my crochet blankets to my friend Sue. I made a crochet baby blanket when my friend Susie was pregnant. Her son is in high school now, and we're still emailing back and forth. These people were more than just co-workers,* and they are always with me.
*Even my disdain for the unhyphenated "coworkers" comes from Susie. She once worked at an agricultural publication and mentioned how "coworkers" made readers think of cows first, so they hyphenated "co-worker." At least, that's the story I remember, and regardless, I think of her every time I hyphenate "co-workers."
So I thought, "Maybe a good blog post would be to write about why I'm not lonely and never feel like I'm alone." I started keeping track on a sticky note every time a song played or I caught an episode of a TV show or a section of a movie that reminded me of someone. It did not take long for that sticky to fill up, especially since I kept putting off writing the blog post. By the time I sat down to write last week (yes, I started this last week—have I not mentioned that I am lazy?), that sticky was F.U.L.L.
Since it was the music that made me want to write the blog post, I started with a music section. It had 13 bullets and 5 subbullets, and it only covered "A" songs, "W" songs, and general categories, such as "songs connected to boys," which isn't even relevant to the blog post! I also added a few tidbits between A and W that I remembered while I was writing. The music section was followed by a T-shirt section because I wear a T-shirt almost every day, and virtually every T-shirt I own is connected to someone I know, so whenever I get dressed in the morning, I think of one of you. Again, 7 bullets, 4 subbullets, and even 2 sub-subbullets! Then I started the hodge podge section—just a mish mash of things I experience every day.
It was at this point that I realized if I included everything, it would be the size of a novel. A very long novel. A War and Peace–sized novel. (Who am I kidding? I wouldn't be surprised if I lost a lot of you at the description of how I created my shower playlist above.)
So I'm going to stop here ... but I'm also going to leave the original blog post below in case you are bored or in the bathroom. Just to give you an idea of how much you people mean to me. You are my path forward. My light. My way out of the abyss. My love for you knows no bounds. Just like this blog post.
And since I don't want you to have to skip to the end, I'm leaving the too-long wedding speech here for your enjoyment. (And because I know embedded videos don't play for everyone, here is the direct link. Sound up!)
And here is the original blog post, minus anything I mentioned above. 😊
- I listen to a lot of music. I have playlists for editing, driving, walking, and showering. And so much of that music is connected to other people.
- Obviously, a lot of it is connected to Vic. The songs we played at our wedding, songs/soundtracks from movies we loved, music he bought for me, John Denver, Jim Croce, Gordon Lightfoot
- Then there's a bunch of music given to me by my friend Michelle when she moved to Las Vegas and didn't want to take all her CDs with her.
- Or specific songs for specific people:
- The ABBA song "Fernando" reminds me of my 7th-grade best friend, Julie, who named her French horn "Fernando," and then we would sing that song as we walked between our houses. As soon as I hear "Fernando," I am transported to that time and all the stories I remember about hanging out with Julie and her family
- The song "2 a.m." by Adeline Hill was recommended by my friend Megan, so whenever I hear it, I think of her.
- Queen, in general, reminds me of my niece, Ginny, but "Don't Stop Me Now" reminds me of her wedding, so whenever I hear it, I think of her and her sweet Ian and her bridesmaids (including Margeaux) doing a choreographed dance to that song.
- When I lived in Vermont and lived with my boyfriend's parents, one of them played the Arthur Fiedler and the Boston Pops version of "American Patrol" every morning to help me wake up. (I've never been a morning person.) I always think of them when I hear that song.
- I digitized all the 50s songs on CDs I inherited from my mother.
- So. Many. Songs. Connected. To. Boys. I had a life before Vic, and I must have a thousand songs (no kidding—my library approaches 10,000 songs) that remind me of high school boyfriends, proms, homecomings, bus trips—and then these lead me to songs that just remind me about my high school friends in general. "Xanadu" reminds me of this one time I stayed out all night with a bunch of my gal pals just wandering the streets of town and driving around. Air Supply? ELO? Blondie? Yeah—just a huge part of my adolescence.
- I will say that I have a LOT of breakup/bad relationship songs. And I love it. That's right. I love it. Because as Jim Croce says, "Nobody ever had a rainbow ,baby, until he had the rain." And also, I love crying to music.
- I got the Barbra Streisand Broadway Album when Bryan (my stepson) lived with us, and even though he was into heavy metal at the time, he would always let me play my album (yes, vinyl) on his turntable (yes, turntable) with no complaint. I think of him every time I play that album. (As well as the heavy metal I now listen to and a number of other songs and movies. Movies such as St. Elmo's Fire, which is how I got to be called "stepmonster"—not only a term of endearment but also the origin of my grandma name, "Cookie" [from Cookie Monster, of course])
- Speaking of Barbra Streisand, I always think of my sister when I hear "Adelaide's Lament" from Barbra's greatest hits box set.
- Barenaked Ladies? My friend Seth. Beatles? My brother-in-law. Barry Manilow? My friend Michelle, who took me to a Barry Manilow concert for our birthdays. (Mine and Barry's, which are on the same day, just a few years apart.) The Beach Boys takes me back to 8th grade summer camp! And this is just a few of the Bs!
- THE GREASE SOUNDTRACK!!!!! My sister and I went to the movie Grease at least one million times the summer it came out. And this was at a time when she was 17 and I was 15, and I'm sure I couldn't have been more annoying. And then that reminds me of the time we saw Lifeguard and Orca at the drive-in. And then that reminds me of the time she came back to Lincoln from college just to attend a high-school play I was in ... in the chorus. I probably think about my sister at least once every day.
- Back to Grease, every time I hear "Greased Lightning" or "Born to Hand Jive," I do the dance moves. No matter where I am. One time, I was walking up 17th Street to my office in downtown Denver doing the "Greased Lightning" dance, and a woman opened her car window and started singing along with me. I hope it made her day the way it did mine!
- "The Great White North," by Bob and Doug McKenzie, always reminds me of Laurie (my stepdaughter). We often greet each other with a catchphrase from that album. "Good day, eh?" and "Hoser!" are particular favorites.
- I have a Wilson Philips album that my friend Kelly took into the delivery room with her!
- I could go on and on and on, but the point is that not a day goes by that I don't hear some song that reminds me of a member of my family or one of my friends.
- I wear a lot of T-shirts. But did you know how many of my T-shirts remind me of someone? Every time one of these shirts pops up in my T-shirt rotation, I think about that person/those people and maybe even their families and friends!
- I have FIVE Weird Al T-shirts. And these T-shirts remind me of my niece Margeaux and Xan. We share a love of Weird Al that borders on unhealthy. (Just kidding—it's definitely stalker level.) We've been to two concerts together (and they've been to quite a few more), and we talk about him a lot.
- I realize that this does not belong here, but I want to mention my nephew Nick (my sister's son, not my sister-in-law's son, who will be mentioned later) at this point. Although he is also a Weird Al fan, that is not my primary "always with me" memory. Besides the wedding speech described ad nauseum above, the thing that makes me think about Nick most is anything to do with Game of Thrones. Nick did a podcast called Bocker Throne In, so-named from his high-school nickname ("Nick" becomes "Nickerbocker" becomes "Bocker"—at least that's what I assume). He didn't watch GOT when it first came out, but he heard a lot about it. So he thought it would be fun to record a podcast for each episode from the perspective of someone who had never read the books or seen the show. As his aunt, of course I'm going to listen to the show. After a few episodes, though, he started inviting his friends and family (the aforementioned Margeaux and Xan) on the podcast, and the next thing you know, he invited meeeeee on the podcast! We had so much fun recording those episodes, and we also talked about a lot of deep things that didn't have anything to do with GOT.
- I also know this doesn't belong here, but Nick, Margeaux, Xan, and my six great nieces and nephews are all around me all the time. I have refrigerator art, movie memories, posters made for Vic's service, senior pictures, wedding pictures, pictures on my hard drive that pop up at just the right time, even a few pictures of N&M or M&X being zany that I keep on my phone so if I'm having a hard day, I can just pop open my phone and instantly feel better. Just a lifetime of memories I'm grateful for.
- I have a giraffe T-shirt designed by my friend Marisha for a K-Pop band.
- I have a T-shirt (and other fun items!) designed by my friend Rebecca.
- I have several T-shirts from the days that I worked at a PR firm just out of college. My boss (Mark, the owner), sadly, passed away, but these T-shirts keep him alive in my mind and always remind me of his family: his wife, Maxine, and their daughters Rachel and Ali.
- Speaking of his family, I have a painting his daughter painted at the age of 14 that is art museum quality, and two paintings painted by his father, Emil. Emil was a real hoot (and Mark's mom, Evelyn, was awesome as well)! Those post-college years were hard, and Mark and his family made them easier for me. We are still connected through email and Facebook, and I love still having that relationship.
- My friend Linda gave me a great CU T-shirt that actually fits, now that the ones I bought in college are ... ahem ... a little snug.
- I mean, my house is filled with things from Linda. Whether it's a little cat needle minder, something froggy (I love frogs), something buffalo-y (we're both connected through the University of Colorado), crocheted hearts and bunnies, a crocheted Snoopy, or a crocheted emotional support chicken(!), Linda is everywhere.
- My sister also gave me a lot of T-shirts—souvenirs from their trips, some she didn't want, some she had custom-made for me. My favorite is the one that says "I'd rather stay home with my dog. It's too people-y out there."
- She and her husband are also represented throughout my house—not just in the T-shirt category! As I always say, my sister deserves a blog post of her own, but she's the first person to say, "Don't waste your time on me."
- I have a couple of T-shirts from my sister-in-law Alice and her husband, Ed. One of them I wear a lot. The other one ... let's just say it has my favorite word on it, so I can only wear it under another shirt. 😂
- Those T-shirts aren't the only R-rated things I have from them, and every time I see one of them—including a bobblehead of Lewis Black that says "Go @$%& yourself" in his trademark growl—I giggle. I also have a LOT of non-R-rated things, such as fine china from Italy and other home decorations, boxes that once held chocolates from all around the globe, and Christmas ornaments.
- I have things from my other in-laws as well: sister-in-law Patty and her family. A vase autographed by Sarah, former Duchess of York, containers that once held chocolate (yeah, I get a lot of presents with chocolate, so what?) but now hold pet supplies, sweaters and hoodies and jewelry and other fun things from niece Lisa and her family, and sweatshirts and T-shirts from nephew Nick.
- Many of my T-shirts are souvenirs from my travels with Vic—but many of them were vacations spent with other people, for example, our friend Mary, our friends Nancy and Ken, Laurie and Bryan, and my Great Aunt Blanche.
- I also have tons of things from Laurie and her kids—photos, souvenirs, toys and other fun things, paintings. Every room has something in it from them.
- I have fewer reminders from Bryan, but that's only because he generally sends me consumables in the form of Godiva chocolates.😁 BUT I do have a lovely fall raincoat that he gave me for my trip to Alaska and (back to the music) Billy Joel's Greatest Hits. Volumes 1 and 2!
- I could stop here because this blog post is so long already, but indulge me.
- I have so much yarn bought for me or bought with someone in mind, and when I make projects with this yarn, I think of that person.
- I have So. Many. Recipes. from my friends and family! I keep their name in the recipe, so whenever I pull out my recipe binder or make one of their dishes, I see all of their names.
- My friend Rhonda says "Viola!" instead of "Voila!" She is a grammar nerd, so she knows it's wrong, but it's hilarious! And whenever I want to say "Voila!" I say "Viola!" instead and think of Rhonda.
- AND PLEASE, just because you are not named in this blog post, don't think you are not on my mind. For example, my favorite thing about Christmas season is getting your cards and letters. I love reading about how things have changed for you over the past year. I love seeing how your kids have grown. I just love that I'm still on your list.
- My house is filled to the brim with things from friends and family.
- Tchotchkes and other fun things from my niece Audrey, my niece Kristen, my stepmom Norma, Sandy, Anne, Ann, Colleen, Emily, Mary, Nancy, Laura M., Michelle, the Estes Park Wool Market (which reminds me of when I went there with my friends Chandra and Donna), Seth, Paulette, Cat, Chris, Julie, Brendan, Joannie, and Ruth and Terry.
- Plants from Alice, Dianne and Bob (Bryan's in-laws), Becky (Vic's cousin), Ann and Murth, Anna, Dawn, Tracy, and Laura K., many of which were sent for Vic's service, so they are extra special.
- This seems like a good spot to talk about Becky and her sister Debbie. I call them Vic's cousins, but he's been gone for four years, and they're still sending me cards and gifts and checking in with me on all those anniversary days they know I might be having hard feelings. I was so lucky to marry into Vic's family—they are all so dear to me.
- Things that were Mom's, Dad's, Grandma and Grandpa's, Bill and Ginger's (my sister's parents-in-law)—all of whom have passed away, so these things help keep them alive in my mind.
- MY STUFFIES! I have an extensive stuffy collection, and almost all of them were bought on vacations, or on visits to the Denver Zoo or other area attractions, or given to me by someone.
- When I first moved into this house, there were a lot of things that needed to be done. I could have done all of them ... but ... I didn't want to. My friend Andy hung all of our art (Vic's pictures, my stitching and all the other things that hang on our walls), installed a new showerhead and added a medicine cabinet to the bathroom. My friend Julian put together some end tables for me, hung my candelier (a candle chandelier that sits above my bathtub), and installed a new door handle on the door from the garage that I can open with my elbow—that handle has been such a blessing as I come into the house with arms full of groceries or whatnot. My friends Larry and Paulette put up all my TVs (arguably the most important part of my house) and broke down all the boxes, which then reminds me of all they did to help me before the move as well—and everything they've done for me since.
- And of course, so. many. things. from. Vic. BOLO for a blog post about the last birthday present he gave me.
This is everything that's in the cubby above my desk where I work. |
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